We got the depressing, down-in-the-dumps post out of the way, so now we can return to what’s really important: my thoroughly matters-in-no-way-to-no-one burblings on red carpet fashion. I mean, I’m realistic about it—I’m not as funny as the Fug Girls nor am I as influential as Tim Gunn. All I’ve got is the perspective of someone who grew up in the high fashion industry and who, when occasion has called, has managed to dress herself reasonably well.

So then. shall we? Make sure you’re buckled securely into your seats and keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times.

I’m sick, so I’m feeling pretty lazy about uploading—all images referenced can be found on the following sites.

People Magazine Red Carpet Arrivals

HuffPost Style

(I may sneak a photo or two in…</rebel>)

Lot of yellow on the red carpet tonight. Lot of yellow. Look, I’ll be honest right up front. It’s not my favorite color. It’s a difficult color for most people to wear and let’s face it, judging from what I saw tonight… yeah, still difficult. Julie Bowen’s neon yellow, Claire Danes’ sack dress (honey, you’re pregnant—this is no excuse for a mustard-shaded potato sack), Julianne Moore’s very very-OMG-she-skinned-Big-Bird yellow, and Leslie Mann’s daisy yellow were the four, erm, standouts. Of the four Leslie Mann was the closest to pulling it off, mostly because the gown isn’t all yellow—the white bodice manages to offset all the yellow, not to mention, the dress fits her. This goes a long way towards making a dress work, regardless of color.

Speaking of dresses that didn’t fit well (aside from Claire Danes…) two that drove me bananas yet will undoubtedly show up on all the Best Dressed lists were Zooey Deschanel and Kat Dennings. Anyone who’s read my rants on strapless gowns knows how I feel about having them properly fitted to the Girls. Kat’s came closer than Zooey’s, but the bodice wasn’t long enough for her torso and let’s face it, Kat’s got some Bodacious Girls. They needed to be treated with more respect. I did absolutely adore the deep bordeaux color on her though, far more than Zooey’s powder blue. Darling, the Fairy Godmother called—Cinderella’s gonna cut a bitch if she doesn’t get her gown back.

Speaking of strapless gowns… Well, Christina Hendricks’ gown fit her well enough, although I wasn’t a fan of the belt cutting her in half and I really wasn’t a fan of the non-color. Yes, it made her hair stand out like a gorgeous beacon, but it otherwise washed her out. I wonder if maybe the belt had been a contrast color if it would have helped or hindered? Not sure. Overall, just meh on the look.

Her castmate, Elisabeth Moss, showed up as a blonde. I didn’t much care for it. I did, however, like her gown, considering it was a print. I liked the hi-low cut of the hem and the black and green color scheme. I do wish she’d done something about her tan lines.

Speaking of prints and tan lines… Julianna Margulies, what were you thinking? First off, honey, stealing the brocade off a Baroque sofa is so not done and secondly, TAN LINES: do something about them, please.

January Jones, as usual, went edgy and off-the-runway couture and still managed to recycle a look done ten years ago, if perhaps a bit more well-fitted. Girl, would it kill you to try to look pleasant for once?

SofiaVergara, Heidi Klum, and Julianne Hough all went in shades of sea-foam green with varying levels of success—Heidi experienced a rare misstep on the red carpet. The color did nothing for her and the double slit of the gown had the unfortunate effect of making her look like she was wearing a sheer skirt over an Esther Williams bathing suit. But she’ll end up on all the Best Dressed Lists because, well, she’s Heidi. So will Sofia, because she’s Sofia and she’s not afraid of her curves, God bless her, (her gown, on the other hand, was clearly terrified of her curves- slightly NSFW pic) but you know, I think I saw Charo wear gowns just like this *mumblety mumble* years ago. I did love the color on her, but I don’t know… I would love to see her pull a Penelope Cruz and go Old Hollywood Glamor in a custom Emporio Armani or Valentino.

Julianne Hough is going to get the last amount of attention of the three, but hers was the gown I like the best, honestly. I thought it was the most creative and genuinely suited in terms of being elegant enough for a formal event, yet thoroughly age-appropriate and very fresh and young. Hayden Panettiere, I’m lookin’ at you, girl. Please, for the love of all that’s good and holy, quit dressing like a 35-year-old divorcée. Or J-Lo. Okay, Imma sneak another piccie in here, because I genuinely loved Hayden’s gown, just not on her. (I however, would totally wear it.)

Also speaking of age-appropriate, Kiernan Shipka from Mad Men looked absolutely darling—her dress was simple, elegant, made her look grown up without making her look like she was trying to look like a 35-year-old divorcée. *gives Hayden yet another hairy side eye*

Kelly Osbourne—oh, dear heart, I think you’re darling and it was awfully sweet of you to attempt to match your gown to your hair, but no. It’s just not a move that should ever be done. But props for creativity and I actually did love the dress. Just do something about the hair. Please.

Let’s see… who else. Oh, yes, of course, Tina Fey—looked glorious. Loved the color, loved the cut, loved the fact that her breasts didn’t appear to be in pain or on the verge of exploding and can I just nominate her and Jon Hamm as cutest couple who aren’t Jon Hamm & Jennifer Westfeldt?

Melissa McCarthy looked so much lovelier and more comfortable than she did at the Oscars. The gown may have been basic black, but it flattered and enhanced rather than emphasized in a negative way. She’s a lovely lady and I do so love seeing that loveliness shown to best advantage.

Sarah Paulsen looked elegant and lovely, if a bit restrained by most current standards in a deep teal blue ball gown with embroidery and what appeared to be a black velvet ribbon belt. Maybe it was safe, but you know what? It looked damned good on her, from coloring to fit. I call it a win.

Okay, the final two pics I’ll sneak in here tonight are the two most standout gowns for me, personally: Edie Falco’s modernist stunner and Ginnifer Goodwin’s Old School ballgown. Vastly different and I love ‘em both. Edie, bless her, shows that you can be a Woman of a Certain Age and wear drop dead sexy without looking skeevy or like she’s trolling on CougarLife.com. Seriously—how bad ass does the woman look? She puts most of the younguns to shame. And Ginnifer’s is just so fresh and pretty and yet completely unique. I love the 1950s silhouette combined with the very current hi-low hemline, the 3-D effect of the embroidery, the bateau neckline, the unexpected texture of the leather belt and I especially love the coral red/nude color combo, especially with her fair skin and dark, dark hair. I think I might have preferred her lipstick be bold and the eyes softer, but if she was going to go with the heavy, smoky eye, she paired it with a nude lip. Lovely balance. (You’ll note, too, no jewelry—allows the gown to speak for itself. Clever stylist.)

So that’s it for me, this year. I know I didn’t quite hit everyone, but this cold/flu/Plague is kicking my ass. Feel free to comment away.

P.S. Connie Britton. Connie, Connie, Connie… Mrs. Coach, you’re a gorgeous lady. Why did you let them give you the Stepford Wives Treatment? It was all wrong. Wrong gown, wrong hair, wrong makeup. Just wrong, wrong, wrong with a side of wrongity wrong sauce.

Okay. Now I’m really done. I think.