The Continuing Fight Against Art & Intellect

The backlash against @JimRome continues, deservedly so, For those unaware, on Thursday, the well-known sportscaster/commentator tweeted:

“Is there anyone not in a marching band who thinks those dorks running around with their instruments are cool?”

The tweet has since been deleted has allegedly apologized (it was seriously weak) but no matter—Rome is learning what most of tech-savvy “dorks” have known for years; on the internet, everything is forever. And as such, he’s still hearing it—deservedly so. As a former band/corps member, his jibe (which yes, yes I get it, he says shit like that just to be controversial and get a rise) both pushed the expected buttons, but also rolled off my back much in the “water off a duck’s ass” sort of way. Seriously—same shit different day. My whole life I’ve been involved in activities that label me a “dork” in some form: musician/band/corps geek; figure skater; writer; even now, with my increasing involvement in ballroom dancing, I’m subject to the “wink, wink, nudge, nudge isn’t that cute and fluffy!” commentary. (Yet how many times have athletes gone into Dancing With the Stars utterly cocky about their ability to cope with the physical demands and wound up at the end of the first week whimpering and waving the white flag? ‘Nuff said.)

More telling, I think, within Rome’s comment is the arrogance and anger displayed towards culture and intellectualism that’s becoming frighteningly prevalent in this country. It’s as if it requires thought and finesse and refinement, then it’s viewed as somehow weak and needs to be mocked and beat down into submission. I don’t understand what they’re so frightened of.

What is frightening, however, is the world people like Rome would prefer to live in.

RELEASE DAY! (Complete with links & an excerpt!)

‘Cause I’m good like that.


Today is the release day for the Sassy Seven Boxed Set of which I (and my book Lucky Thirteen) are a part. It’s a collection of seven full-length romantic comedy-esque novels from some great authors (and me) all for the low, low, low, low price of .99!

(Handy clicky-buy links go HERE)

Amazon Kindle
Barnes & Noble Nook

There’s also a fun Q&A on USA Today’s Happily Ever After Blog where all seven of us confess why we love romcom so much, who our favorite romcom couples are, and what each of our books is about. I compared mine to My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Of course, I didn’t have the time (or column inches) to talk as extensively about Thirteen as I might have otherwise. Let’s see—interesting tidbits.

This was the second full-length manuscript I wrote, close to ten years ago. (The first one lives under my bed and will never see the light of day.) If you know anything about me as a published author, then you might find yourself asking, “But Barb, this is an adult book—not a young adult.”

Yes. Yes it is. Remember how I’ve always said writing young adult was kind of a happy accident? I not only had this manuscript completed before I ever published as a young adult author, but two more featuring the same extended cast of characters. I had hoped that publishing in young adult would help pave the way for the adult stories, but it didn’t quite work out that way. But that’s all right. Because now I can bring it to you myself!

To whet your appetites, a small excerpt, in which our heroine, Isabel, is having a heart-to-heart with her best friend Ciara in the wake of a most unexpected encounter with a man who a) works for her and b) happens to be thirteen years younger. To say she’s conflicted would be putting it mildly. Thank goodness for Ciara.

“Oh. My. God. Then what?”

I shrugged as far as I was able to while reclined over a shampoo sink. “Nothing. I let him make the escape he so clearly wanted to make. Haven’t seen him since.”

“Which was?”

“A week ago.”

“And why not?”

I winced at the imperious tone—and at the increased force of the scrubbing of my scalp.

“Well, for one, I really did have the mother of all colds, so I holed up at home for a few days and now he’s called in sick the last few days. Probably figuring out some graceful way to quit. That way, he won’t have to worry about being the leading man in the next serial installment of Attack of the Crazed and Probably Hormonal Woman—ow!”

Ignoring my yelp, Ciara continued to scrub my scalp vigorously. “Okay, refresh my memory. Which waiter is this again?”

Stretching my arm, I was just able to snatch a towel from a nearby stack so I could wipe away the trickle of shampoo currently threatening my left eye. “The young one,” I sighed.

“They’re all young, babydoll,” she drawled. Water began sluicing through my hair, hot nearly to the point of pain. “Which young one? And how young, exactly?”

I spluttered as she not-so-accidentally ran the spray across my face. “I’ll never get a chance to tell you if drown me, Ciara.”

“Fine.” With a click, the chair popped upright from its reclined position, making the blood rush to my head. Dizzy, I opened my eyes only to rear back from Ciara’s narrow blue gaze, hovering entirely too close.

“I’ll give you condition and rinse time to collect your thoughts, then—all of it.”

Pfft.” Like the death stare was supposed to impress me after twenty -five years of best-friend-hood?

Parked in the chair at Ci’s station I meditatively blotted my hair with a towel while she arranged her tools. As she began combing through my damp hair, our gazes met in the mirror.

“Well?” But her tone and look were both less demanding than they’d been a few moments earlier which was exactly what I needed to loosen up. She knew me too well, the bitch. “Let’s start with something easy—how young, exactly?”

“Twenty-five.” Not like I’d checked the employee records I had on file or anything. Praying that I was recalling his age incorrectly even though I already knew better.

“Hmm,” she hummed. “Nice. Let’s move on to the physical—how tall?”

I thought back to how, even at five-seven, I’d still had to rise slightly on tiptoe to kiss his cheek. “Just about six feet, I guess.”

Separating a section of hair, Ci started snipping. “Okay, then. Tall enough you can wear your Louboutins comfortably. This is good.” She winked at me in the mirror. “Eyes, hair, distinctive features?”

“Brown and brown and young.”

“Oh come on, Isa.” Ciara’s voice took on a decidedly annoyed edge again—even her tiny diamond nose stud seemed to glitter impatiently under the fluorescent track lights. “You have to give me more than that to work with.”

Sighing, I pulled up a mental image of Josh’s face—not difficult, since it had been on my mind a whole lot more than I was comfortable admitting, even to Ci. “Well… his eyes are the exact color of dark chocolate ganache—deep and rich. Great lashes. Not girly long, but thick.” Yeah, I’d done more than my share of surreptitious glancing during dinner. Don’t ask me why. It’s not like I hadn’t seen him most every day for the last three years.

Ci kept snipping, but looked up long enough to catch my gaze in the mirror again. “Okay, keep going—because I’m still not quite picturing who this is. What about the rest of the face?”

I started to say ‘young’ again, but Ci’s hard tug on my hair warned do not annoy the woman with the sharp scissors. Sighing, I tried to keep it quick and painless. “Wide cheekbones, almond-shaped eyes that turn down slightly at the outside corners—”

Okay, maybe not quick, because I liked mentally revisiting the sleepy, very sexy appearance that particular feature gave him and which had left me going more than a little warm every time he’d turned that intense dark brown gaze on me. However, not sharing that tidbit. That was mine.

Finally, I got to the one thing Ciara could relate to. “His hair’s nearly as dark as his eyes, kind of longish and somewhere between wavy and curly.”

Yep. That got her. Should’ve just started there.

“Wait a minute—that waiter with the gorgeous hair that women come in here begging me to give them, regardless of cost? That’s Josh?”

“Um hm.”

“Oh sweetie, you should’ve just said so. I’d have recognized him from the description of that head of hair alone—I’ve been dying to get my hands on it.”

“Don’t you dare,” popped out before I could stop myself. Didn’t have to look in the mirror to know I was blushing like some adolescent twit.

Not one more word. Even if she snatches you bald-headed.

She laughed as she combed my hair out once more, holding my head steady between her hands and studying the results, then snipping a bit more here and there. “Relax, darling. Just to shape it a bit—maybe rethink the sideburns. Nothing drastic. So, what about the bod, proper?”

I turned to look directly at her, scissors be damned. “Jesus, Ciara, it’s not like I saw the boy naked!” Only nearly shirtless and well, my hands had gotten intimate with his fly and Lord, was it getting hot in here? “I thought you wanted to figure out who he was? Now you know.”

One narrow shoulder rose, the gesture elegant even given the black baby doll tee with “Bite These” scripted in rhinestones across her chest. “Color me curious.”

Color her sadistic. Forget it. The battle was lost. She was going to keep asking and honestly, I wanted to keep talking.

But only to purge myself—get him out of my system.

Yeah, right.

“Kind of long and lanky, I guess… but not in a ninety-eight pound weakling sort of way. Nice shoulders.”

Shifting in the chair, I took a deep breath that whooshed out on a sigh. “Oh, and his chest—”

“Whoa. Hold up.” Ci leaned forward and grabbed the hairdryer. “I’m guessing with that head of hair….” I watched myself turn beet red as her reflection leered and her eyebrows did a truly horrific Groucho Marx thing.

“My, my… I guess so. And since my chests of preference are neither hairy nor flat, you can keep that tidbit as the little private fetish I know it to be for you.”

“Tit slut,” I muttered beneath the whine of the dryer.

“I heard that.”

Sticking my tongue out at her reflection, I remained slouched in the chair until she none-too-gently prodded the brush handle between my shoulder blades, forcing me to sit straighter. Thankfully, the task of drying and styling my hair brought a temporary respite in our never-ending game of Let’s Dissect Isa’s Love Life. Not that I didn’t do the same to Ciara when opportunity arose—especially since she actually had a love life worth dissecting. Had to be why she was pressing so hard for the dirt given she’d been after me to date… well, since Chris and I had decided not to stay together.

Ten years ago.

One could say it’d been a dry spell.

But who had the time? Or inclination, come to think of it?

And honestly… I was perfectly good without a man. I had Alex, Mae’s, friends, family; why did I need romantic entanglements? I didn’t. Yeah, the physical urges got pesky from time to time, but no big.

I was nothing if not self-sufficient.

Ci shut off the hairdryer and fiddled a bit more with my hair, snipping a few stray bits here and there before finishing it off with a fine mist of spray.

“Long bangs, layers for movement, but not so much that you can’t put it up in a sharp, sophisticated ponytail or twist for work if that’s what you want. You like?”

I looked in the mirror at Ciara’s slightly anxious expression. As if she really needed to worry. Not like I’d let anyone else touch my hair since we were teenagers. Grasping the hand she had on my shoulder I reassured her, “You know I love it.”

Her expression relaxed. “Good. It’s so fun to play with your hair now that you’ve let it grow out again.” Unable to help herself, she rearranged it again. “I think last time you wore it this long was high school.”

“Well, you know, Ci, once you hit forty it’s time for Sensible Hair. Two more years and that’ll be all she wrote..”

“Oh, bullshit.” Ci’s hairbrush hit the rolling cart beside her so hard it skidded a few feet away. Good thing I’d come in before the start of her business day, otherwise, she might be scaring off customers. “Girl, I swear, you are getting on my last gay nerve with this nonsense. I don’t know where the fuck you’ve been getting these crackpot theories of what women our age are or are not supposed to do, but they’re about as outdated as organdy aprons and pearls and heels while you vacuum. ‘I can’t have long hair. I can’t fuck a younger man,’“ she mocked in an acid sing-song. “It’s pure, unadulterated crap, Isabel.”

I spun the chair around to face her. “Always so nice to see the breadth of your Columbia University education shining through.”

“It is crap. My mother’s latest boyfriend, courtesy of CougerStalk-dot-com, is seventeen years younger than her and she says it’s the most amazing sex she’s had since her twenties.”

I shuddered. “Dear God, talk about TMI.”

“Tell me about it, but the woman won’t stop calling me at ungodly hours and conveying all the gory details—in glorious living Technicolor. Thank God she hasn’t figured out how to upload videos to YouTube or else I might have the visuals to go along with.”

She paused as we both contemplated that horror.

From Lucky Thirteen ©2014 Barbara Ferrer

Fly with the angels, Genie- Robin Williams (1951- 2014)

The college visit across the border today meant that for the most part, I was off the grid, so it wasn’t until after I was back in the U.S. and had opportunity to call my husband, that I learned the devastating news that Robin Williams had died by his own hand.

To put it simply, I am heartbroken.

I am also, sadly, not horribly surprised. I, along with most of the world, knew he’d battled some fairly vicious demons throughout his career, and while I’d hoped he’d managed to wrestle them into some form of submission, I also had that niggling sense that those mean little fuckers weren’t necessarily done with him. After all, the demons, they want the best and the brightest and the most brilliant and in Robin, they had a sterling example.

Robin was literally my first crush. From the moment he bounded onto the screen on Happy Days through Mork and Mindy through his standup through his incredibly prolific and varied film career, I loved him. I didn’t love every role, but I always saw the heart and sheer life he put into each role, no matter how small. He was a classically trained actor with a comic’s sensibilities and while he was undeniably a comedic genius, it was in his dramatic roles that he was, unsurprisingly, most compelling and arresting. (It’s in fact, a small, dramatic cameo in Dead Again that remains one of my absolute favorite roles.)

He made me laugh during some of the darkest moments of my life, teaching me how to find the humor in the dark and the absurd in the unthinkable, and he made me laugh during some of the absolute best moments of my life. In fact, during labor with both of my children, I brought a portable CD player into my hospital room and listened to Live at the Met—the hospital staff thought I was nuts, I was laughing too hard to care.

And when years later, I was able to finally fulfill a lifelong dream and not only see him perform live, but meet him, I was able to tell him that story. His response?

“Fuck me!”

To which I responded, “No, that’s what got me there in the first place,” and which elicited a surprised, genuine laugh from this lovely, gentle man. Because that’s what he was—the epitome of the word gentleman and I am forever grateful I was able to share that one brief moment with him. It was but one of a million for him, but one in a million for me.

I hope the demons, having finally claimed victory, finally allow you to rest easy Robin.

You will never, ever be forgotten.


Ten days post surgery, I nearly bust my stitches laughing. What a brilliant night.

If you or someone you know is considering suicide, please contact the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Tales of Survival (or G.I.S.H.W.H.E.S. is over)

So my first official involvement with G.I.S.H.W.H.E.S. (or the Greatest International Scavenger Hunt the World Has Ever Seen) has come to an end.

First off, as some of you might be asking, “What in the ever-loving hell is G.I.S.H.W.H.E.S.?” Well, it’s the brainchild of actor/lunatic Misha Collins of Supernatural fame. The idea is for teams to compete in a scavenger hunt that’s comprised of both finding items, creating items, or committing random acts of kindness, many with a very silly/absurdist bent to them. Ultimately, the idea is to stretch your boundaries, step out of your comfort zone, recapture childlike joys, and maybe make some new friends along the way.

When all is said and done, I’m of… mixed emotions.

The positives:

My team, Inevitable Innuendo, was absolutely spectacular and I got to know several people I wouldn’t have, otherwise.

I got to enjoy the week with my daughter, since she was also a team member.

I discovered I have a far higher tolerance for personal silliness than I might have imagined.

I learned something about the depths of creativity (and sheer abandon) that seemingly normal people have. (And I mean that in an incredibly complimentary way.)

I saw a lot of people really going to Herculean effort to help each other out (like the amazing lady who created TWENTY papier mâché heads and took them to a meet up for pictures with actor Osric Chau).


The negatives (and it really boils down to only one):

I wasn’t really crazy about a lot of the items on the list. I get that a good deal of my dislike stems from my own nature, which is introverted and more than a little cynical to begin with, but that first day, as I scanned the List, I had a sick feeling that several items had the potential to go somewhat pear-shaped.

And boy, did they.

The one that’s received the most publicity was the item requesting a published Science Fiction author to create a 140-word story starring Misha and the Queen of England. Now, let me be clear—many GISHERS who made the request did so in an incredibly polite fashion and many authors who were unable to comply, replied in kind.


Some requests were framed in less than polite fashion (dudes—don’t demand); some responses to an author’s polite decline were met with less than gracious responses (dudes—they said no, it’s not a personal indictment, move on); and in some ways, worst of all, some authors, even when presented with a polite request, responded in such rude, overbearing, condescending, and downright mean fashion, it made me embarrassed for my profession. Because seriously, there is no call to tell someone, who is contacting you because they are presumably a fan of your work, to “kindly go die in a fire.” (Yes, that was a direct quote from a response to an incredibly polite request.)

All I can say is, if Neil Fucking Gaiman can decline politely, then so can you.

Side note: I found it particularly fascinating that the lesser-known the writer, the more vitriolic the response seemed to be and the more resentful that they were being asked to “write for free,” with additional snarking about the disrespect Misha was showing towards authors and forgetting that we’re professionals, too, and hey, would he consent to starring in multiple short films without pay? Guys, guys, guys… this wasn’t exactly a Harlan Ellison moment—

Also, I found it ironic that most of the vitriolic responses consisted of far more than 140 words. Just sayin’.

Obviously, this is the item that stood out to me the most because of my personal investment in it, but there were others that I felt skirted some very sketchy territory for me, in that they posed a potential professional issue for someone by intruding on a workplace, or caused disruption to someone’s personal space. Again, could just be me, though.

I’m also seeing a fair bit of resentment for the celebrity participants. This mystifies me as in the rules, it was clearly stated if a celebrity team won, a non-celebrity team would also be chosen for the Grand Prize. How is this a bad thing? It means you get double the fun if you’re the winning non-celebrity team. And why should someone be excluded from the event just because they happen to be well-known?

It’s this sort of behavior that tends to make me froth at the mouth and want to back slowly away.

Actually, too, now that I think about it, there was one other thing that bothered me about the List and perhaps, about the intent of G.I.S.H.W.H.E.S. to begin with—the idea is that we’re supposed to push our personal boundaries and step out of our comfort zones, yada, yada. See, to me, this list represents someone else’s idea of Comfort Zone (and let’s face it, Misha has no personal boundaries, so…). I mean, every time I step onto a ballroom floor, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. Every time I go to an event where I have to meet strangers, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. Hell, every time I submit a new manuscript or story, I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. Who the hell is anyone to tell me that’s not enough pushing the envelope?

Now, I will fully admit, I have a knee-jerk reaction when someone tells me I must do something, which generally involves hissing and spitting and backing away like a cornered badger. But despite the occasional flashes of resentment, I acknowledge that there are always new boundaries to conquer and that even repeated stepping out of a comfort zone can, in and of itself, take on the feel of a comfort zone. (Devil you know and all that…) Which is probably why in the end, G.I.S.H.W.H.E.S. is a good thing for someone like me.

Now, reading over this, I realize I must sound like a total Negative Nelly and that’s actually not my intent at all. As I said, my emotions were mixed and I suspect  a good deal of that has to do with the timing of this year’s event which, from my perspective,  was not good, seeing as it came directly in the wake of a ballroom competition, meaning I was already physically and mentally exhausted going in. Plus for this classic introvert, my people tolerance, after having to be “on” for nearly four days straight, was more than a little tapped out. Generally, post-ballroom, I strip off the makeup and fancy dresses, put on my pajamas and avoid people for at least a week. I didn’t get to do that this week, so I felt stretched pretty thin and rubbed more than a little raw. Also, I felt as if I wasn’t capable of contributing as much as I could have to my team, which makes me feel twitchy and uncomfortable, as I hate letting people down.

Especially the people on my team who were the most amazing, creative, lunatic lot I’ve ever had the privilege of working with. The extent to which these individuals were willing to push themselves makes me wish I’d done better for them and yes, will bring me back next year because if there’s anything I hate, it’s not feeling as if I gave it my best effort.

To Team Inevitable Innuendo—I Heart You Guys mightily.

148- Parental Advisory Album

#PsychOUT (Or a love letter to Psych)

July 4th, 2006—my debut novel Adiós to My Old Life is published.

July 7th, 2006—a quirky little series called psych premieres on USA Network.

Serendipitous? Or mere coincidence? Dare I say, I’ve heard it both ways? (Okay, we’ll go with coincidence, but I couldn’t resist.)

Tonight, we say goodbye to psych after 8 seasons, more than 100 episodes, and one epic musical. I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating, only once before have I found myself so captivated by a television show that I’ve allowed myself to become part of the online community. This is a big deal for me since I tend to shy away from most fandoms, finding them a bit too intense and tunnel-visioned for my taste. It’s difficult for me to be a vocal fan of a show because as a storyteller myself, I can’t help but but offer criticism as well as praise—and the more I love something, the more apt I am to be critical of it. (If I don’t love it, I just don’t give enough of a rat’s patoot.)

But perhaps it’s because psych in and of itself was quirky and welcoming and offered such a broad spectrum of storytelling that the fans it drew were equally quirky and welcoming and from across such a broad spectrum. In short, it was a show that offered something for everyone. I think if you asked faithful #Psych-Os what their favorite episode is, you’d have as many differing opinions as there are episodes. Except for maybe the finale—I suspect no one’s ever going to want to claim that one as a favorite simply because of what it represents.

Over 8 seasons/years, the show evolved along with the players—sometimes for the good, sometimes for the not-so-good, but it always kept us watching and curious and coming back for more. Until tonight. Tonight we say goodbye to Shawn/James, Gus/Dulé, Juliet/Maggie, Carlton/Tim, Karen/Kirsten, and Henry/Corbin (with a special shout-out to Woody/Kurt, because, yeah…) and wish them well—both the characters and their real-life counterparts. We get one last opportunity to say “Suck it!” before we wave them off into their proverbial sunset.

For me, the last eight years have brought so much—both professional and personal—but one of the greatest gifts of the past eight years however, have been the friendships forged in the common love for this quirky, ridiculous, smart, clever, sometimes maddening show, including with many of you directly involved with the show. Some of those friendships have transcended cyberspace to become tangible real-life things, but just because I haven’t met all of you yet, doesn’t mean that the friendships are any less valid or real to me. Just ask the people I met online more than fifteen years ago because of another little show called Buffy. (Just sayin’.)

psych may be coming to an end, but by no means is it the end of psych.

And to bring this back around to the opening of my little missive, in 2006 I started on an unexpected journey—no, not just watching psych, although yes, that was unexpected and a hell of a journey, but rather, with young adult literature. Now, eight years later, that journey also comes to an end as I move on into writing new and different things.

Serendipitous? Or mere coincidence?

Dare I say, I’ve heard it both ways?

To the cast and creators of psych—I humbly thank you all for the many, many laughs and tears and hours of entertainment. I wish you all the very, very best going forward.


Welcome 2014…Welcome Back, Me.

For all that I blather on social media & talk about things that are important to me, I do tend to keep rather a lot to myself (seriously) especially if it means exposing my deepest desires. But with it being New Year’s and all, I figure I’ll let y’all in on one decision I made that’s incredibly important to me.

I came to the decision that this coming year, I’m not going to take on any writing projects simply for the sake of making a sale (a la the Harlequin novellas). I also have decided that for the foreseeable future, I will no longer be writing young adult literature. I enjoyed my time in that sandbox and I learned a lot, but it was always more… convenient and never where my heart truly lay. Frankly, the more time went on, the more it seemed it was impeding my ability to move into the genres in which I really wanted to be writing and the more my resentment against it grew. Not a good situation to be in, for a lot of reasons.

What has been an interesting by-product, however, is that the more time that has elapsed, the more the genres in which I want to be writing have evolved. Originally, I’d thought romantic women’s fiction was my niche, but as it turns out, looks like spec fiction is where my interests (and the Lizard Brain) are leading me. Still character-driven, because that really is where my strengths lie, but with a definite bent toward Other.

Go figure. Although I suppose it shouldn’t come as such a surprise, given the nature of the stories I gravitate toward in film and television. I guess I just thought I didn’t have the chops to pull it off. Not that romance or WF is easy—just the cadence and rhythm just came a little more naturally. With spec fic, I have to really push myself waaaaaay beyond my comfort zone. Luckily, I have a tribe more than willing to give me the occasional (or more than occasional) shove when necessary. (And feed me the good booze, also when necessary, because they’re lovely that way.)

The other by-product of this decision (and one of the best ones, as far as I’m concerned) is that I get to be “me” again. In other words, Caridad Ferrer gets to bite the dust, thank GOD. Like writing YA, Caridad Ferrer was never a persona I wanted to take on but rather, was required to for what are blatantly stupid reasons and as many of you know, has brought me pretty much nothing but grief in the long run. To be able to say sayanora to the bitch is frankly, a relief.

So… welcome 2014.

Welcome back, me.

For Halloween—a couple of chapters of HAUNTED

For someone who doesn’t much care for Halloween—blame my brother, he instilled in me massive anxiety about being outside in the dark and fearing people in masks—I actually rather like spooky/creepy/psychologically thriller-y type stories and have always longed to write one.

A couple of years ago, I got started on what turned out to be a ghost story with a science fiction twist that sadly was set aside. Then, when I was invited to read at the SFWA Pacific Northwest Reading Series back in August, I had to find something to read that was, yanno, science fiction or fantasy related and well, this one came out of mothballs and I realized, hey! Doesn’t suck. (Quit looking at me like that, y’all. You know how I am.)

Anyhow, here are the opening scenes/chapters from that story, Haunted. (What I read at the series, for those keeping score comes directly after this segment.)





“Tuck, I’ve been thinking.”

“Now, Matt, how many times do I have to remind you of the dangers of that sort of thing?”

“Dick.”  Matthew stared moodily into the depths of his punch.  Green.  Who the hell served slimy green punch?  And he didn’t even want to know what the science eggheads had done to make it bubble like that.  He’d lay money it wasn’t Sprite.  He’d also lay money it wasn’t anything he wanted burning a trail down his esophagus. 

“Dude, tell me something I don’t know.” 

With a grin that matched the one on his leering jack-o-lantern mug Tuck downed the contents, clearly unconcerned with any potential damage to his esophagus.  Probably because it was his liver that was in greater danger, Matthew thought as he watched Tuck ladle up another mugful of the green slime before subtly pouring a generous slug from his monogrammed silver flask.  Normally it lived in the inside breast pocket of his uniform blazer; tonight, though, in honor of the party, he had it stashed within the deep sleeves of his monk’s habit.  Tuck thought the juxtaposition of costume and booze was hilarious, Matthew just thought it was stupid.  How the jackass never got busted was completely beyond him—not that he cared, so long as Tuck’s inebriated bullshit schemes didn’t get him in trouble. 

Whatever.  Not like any of it would matter soon.  He meditatively ran his thumb over the ridged outline of the hissing cat glaring up at him from his mug. Slowly, his thumb rubbed the surface, the noise and chaos of the party fading into a distant hum, like hearing it from the far end of a tunnel.  The only thing that felt real was the steady glow of the cat’s eyes, a knowing expression in the yellow depths as he stroked the beast’s tail, over and over.

“Hey, now, none of that tonight, man.”  Tuck’s voice broke in, snapping him from the spell.  “It’s Halloween, it’s a Friday night and we’re off the clock for the next forty-eight.  Come on, dude.  You’re so tight, you could mine diamonds from your ass.”

“Fuck you,” Matthew replied, although without any real heat.  Tuck was Tuck and it wasn’t like he was going to change any time soon.  That was the problem.  None of this was going to change, which was why it was up to him to make the first move.

“All right, I give.  And I’m letting you know right now, I’m pissed because you’re making me do the concerned friend shtick.”  Tuck dropped into the chair beside Matthew’s, adjusting the folds of the monk’s habit.  “What the hell’s the matter with you?”

Even though for once it looked as if he had Tucker’s undivided attention and he’d been planning on telling him all along anyhow, Matthew now found himself hesitating.  Maybe it would be better to just give Tuck some BS excuse and keep his plans to himself.  It wasn’t as if Tucker honestly cared all that much.  In the nearly four years they’d both been students and roomies at Mount Storm King Academy, the only things Matthew had ever known Tucker Harris to give a rat’s ass about were chicks, booze, and baseball.  The last was the main reason they’d even bonded in the first place, since Matthew only drank the occasional beer and his taste in girls tended away from the bleached, siliconed, and older variety.  Rumor had it, Tuck had even gone horizontal with one of the professor’s wives the year before.  Rumor because Matthew really didn’t want to know for sure—that history unit on Watergate and the concept of plausible deniability had made a serious impression.  So yeah, conversations between he and Tuck tended to veer toward nothing deeper than the Seattle Mariners chances during any given season and maybe the occasional homework assignment.  But if there was anything Tuck excelled at, beyond pitching a wicked curve, it was loyalty.  That was really why they’d remained friends their entire stint at Storm King—Matthew knew Tuck would have his back and vice-versa.

“Dude, come on.  What gives?”

“I’m leaving school.”

“Of course you are.  We all are.”  Tuck’s voice took on an exaggerated drawl, like Matthew was just too stupid for the big words.  “It’s senior year and we’re youth in full flower and come May, we’ll be set free to make our mark on the world.”

“Bite me.”

Tuck sat back in his chair, chuckling.  “Dude, fucking chill.  Of course you’re leaving.  We’re all leaving, except for maybe Shaughnessey, who’s dumber than a box of rocks.  But the rest of us, man—we’re golden.  We graduate and because it’s from here, we don’t have to waste time with any college bullshit.  We get to go right out into the world and make our mark.  And with any luck, a lot of cash.”

“That’s just the point, Tuck—”  Matthew’s grip tightened on the mug’s handle.  “I told you, I’ve been thinking.  That maybe this isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  I want to sleep in my own bed and raid my mom’s fridge in the middle of the night and graduate from a regular high school.  I want to go out on a date with a girl who’s… normal and not one of these soulless automatons who’s got her whole life so mapped out, there’s no room for—”

“For what, Matt?” Tuck broke in, clearly impatient.  “Prom?  Going steady?”  His voice took on a mocking lilt.  “Sharing a malt with two straws before driving out to Lover’s Lane?  God, who are you trying to bullshit?  There’s no way you could be happy with any of that pedestrian crap after what you’ve experienced here.”

“You don’t know that.”  Matthew stood, slamming the mug down on a nearby table.  Catching a few curious glances aimed their way, he struggled to keep his voice quiet.  “You don’t know shit about what I really think.”

Tucker shrugged as he took a long drink and wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his monk’s habit.  “I know you.  Better than you know yourself.  And I know you’re not going anywhere.”  He spoke with the same eerie calm that came over him on the pitcher’s mound when facing an especially tough hitter.  “You can’t.”  

“Watch me.”  Matthew turned to leave.

“Matt.”  Tuck’s voice stopped him a few steps from the gym doors.  Slowly, he turned to find Tuck standing just a few feet away, the eerie stillness still surrounding him.  “Ordinary doesn’t cut it for people like us.”

“Maybe not.”  Matthew met Tuck’s gaze head on.  “But how do I know if I don’t even try?”



The wipers swept across the windshield, a rhythmic counterpart to the steady hum of the tires on the wet asphalt, the two combining in a chorus of “Home soon, home soon, home soon…”   He’d gotten lucky, pushing the 350Z hard enough through the Peninsula to catch the seven o’clock ferry out of Kingston.  Not much longer now and he’d be home.  Maybe even in time to help his mom hand out candy to trick-or-treaters.  Wonder if there were still as many kids around the neighborhood as when he’d been younger?  That was another one of the thousands of things he had no clue about.  He’d been so swamped in life at Mount Storm King, it was like the rest of the world had come to a standstill.  Or more accurately, didn’t matter.  The sacred mantra at Storm King.  What they were doing there mattered.  More than anything or anyone.  It’d been okay, initially—who didn’t like feeling like they were the center of the universe, right?  But more and more, something about that just didn’t sit right.

He’d planned on staying until Christmas break, but that conversation with Tuck had made it crystal there was no point.  Not after three years.  Three years spent toeing the line.  Three years spent becoming the ideal student, the one held up as a shining example, the one who not only did everything right, but did it better than anyone else.  But as his gifts strengthened, bringing him to the attention of the higher ups and generating talk of an “exceptionally promising future,” that’s when he’d started questioning that carefully mapped out future.  A future he wasn’t even sure he wanted any more.

Only real way to know for sure, he figured, was to take time to be ordinary.  He wanted it so bad, he could practically taste it. 

Home soon… home soon… home soon…

The dark curving road narrowed, the surroundings closing in on him like a snake winding around its prey.  He stretched and rolled his head on his neck, shaking off the prickling sensation crawling up his spine.  Tightening his hands on the steering wheel, he leaned on the accelerator, knowing he was going too fast, but he knew these roads.  This was home, man.  He was almost home.

Rounding a curve, his headlights swept across the landscape, briefly illuminating a grinning jack-o-lantern and above it, a small, pale face with wide eyes that almost seemed to glow in the glare from his lights.  Those glowing eyes the last thing he saw before hitting the brakes and wrenching the wheel to the side, the big tires shuddering beneath his feet as they fought for purchase on the slick road.  He felt himself slammed against the car door, his head ringing, a force like nothing he’d never felt crushing his chest and pinning him to the seat.  A high-pitched squeal, like a scream from a horror movie pierced the sudden silence as he clawed at nothingness, trying to find something to grab, to hold onto, but everything stayed just out of reach, taunting him, like the bottom dropping out of a sinker, his bat slicing past it, hitting nothing but air. Olympic NP 001

No!”  His voice felt like it was being ripped straight from his gut, floating out into the night, hanging there as lights streaked past in white-hot slow motion arcs before exploding.  Leaving behind an eerie vacuum of silence that he had to try to break because it felt wrong—

” I’m sorry, Matt.”

“Tucker?”  It was his voice, but not—muffled and thick, his tongue too big for his mouth. 

“I’m sorry…”  What was Tucker doing here?  This wasn’t his home.  It was Matthew’s home.  Tucker was more at home at Mount Storm King.  Always had been.  He fit there.  Better than Matthew ever had.  Maybe he should’ve told him that before he left.  He could tell him now though.  He just… had… to…

“Get me out, ‘kay?”  He gritted his teeth against a sharp, blinding pain as he felt his arm roughly yanked from where it’d been pinned.  He couldn’t see who was moving him, but he could feel cool metal against his palm, his fingers instinctively curling around the relief it provided from the searing heat knifing through his chest and the sharper pinprick of pain in his arm. 

“I’m so fucking sorry, Matt.  But you did this to yourself.”

He really didn’t need this smug shit from Tucker right now.  Matthew knew he was driving too fast.  Too fast… and there was that small pale face with the big eyes, just like the cat on his mug… Then everything spun and lights and the rain… so hot on his face.  No… no… that was wrong, too.  It was Halloween.  The rain should be cold.  Why was it hot?

Tuck’s face was very close.  “You shouldn’t have left, Matt.”

Matthew squinted, trying to bring Tuck into focus, but he was so damned fuzzy and now he was getting smaller and smaller, disappearing into the dark, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.  He laughed out loud then, imagining big, bulky Tucker dressed in some frilly blue dress and chasing a rabbit down a hole, exploding fireworks trailing behind.  He laughed again, except it sounded more like a cough and hurt like a mother, a deep burning pain that brought tears to his eyes.

“Tuck, man… it hurts.  Come on, now… get me out.”

But there was nothing there but darkness and pain and a shrill wail echoing throughout the suddenly empty space.


“Come on kid… hang in there… we’ve got you…”

Matthew blinked up at the looming figure, so close that he shouldn’t have felt the rain any longer, but the hot sensation continued to trickle down his face and into his eyes, washing everything in red.  Red rain.  Heh.  His mom loved that song.  She loved Peter Gabriel, shooting him evil glares when he claimed the dude was stuck in a time warp and out of touch with the real world.  Not like what he and Tucker liked.  Metallica, Pearl Jam, Nine Inch Nails.  Those guys knew what it was about, man.

“C’mon, kid, stay with me.  Can you tell me your name?”

“Matt… Matthew.”  He reached for the light dancing in front of his eyes.  Tried to trap it.  “Want… music…”

“Okay, Matthew.  You promise to stay with me and I’ll do my best to get you some music.  Who do you like?”

“My mom likes…”  He coughed, feeling more rain spilling down his chin.  “Peter Gabriel.”

“Yeah?  How about you?”

“La-lame.” But right now, he really wouldn’t mind it.

The light kept waving back and forth, like fireflies.  There shouldn’t be fireflies.  It wasn’t summer.  And Seattle didn’t have fireflies.  He’d only seen them once before during a baseball tourney back east.  They’d hovered over the infield like live Christmas lights.

“I need a backboard and C-collar, stat!  Definite head trauma—pupils blown, pulse weak and thready… I’m not sure how much longer I can keep him!”

The fireflies were too bright.  He’d close his eyes… just for a minute…

“Come on, Matthew, stay with me.  Let me know can you hear me.”

He blinked, then immediately closed his eyes again at the blinding brightness.  Too bright, man. 

“No, no, no, Matthew… open your eyes again.  Keep them open.”

No… no… he couldn’t take it—the pounding against his skull, duking it out with other voices and intensely bright lights and it was all just too much.  Too much and he wanted out.  Wanted the kind of quiet he liked best—late at night in his room, staring out the window at the night sky.  Out of the corner of his eye, Matthew noticed a clear blue expanse, beckoning.  Yeah… now that’s what he was talking about.  Deep and soft and warm, like the one time he’d gone scuba diving in Hawaii, gliding through the depths, weightless, surrounded by a whole world, yet somehow held apart from it.  Almost as good as the night sky.  He reached out, felt himself lifted, drawn towards the endless expanse.  Looking back over his shoulder, he saw a group of people clustered around a table, frantically gesturing and yelling, even though he couldn’t hear anything, couldn’t feel anything other than sorry that they were so stressed they couldn’t even notice what was waiting for them.  What lay just beyond their reach.

All of a sudden, pain radiated out from his chest, arms and legs tingling as if he’d been hit with a live wire.  Glancing around, he noticed a cluster of stars just behind him.  For what seemed like forever, he stared at them, trying to figure out what constellation it was… it wasn’t like anything he’d ever seen before.  It was beautiful.  The most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

He stood absolutely still as it throbbed, dimming and brightening with the rhythm of a beating heart, then reached out and wrapped itself around him like a blanket, little sparks of sensation sinking into his skin, canceling out the pain and cold.  A moment later, it unwound itself and began trailing away in a determined shower of sparks, pausing only to swirl around him once more.  Curious, he followed, feeling himself growing lighter with each step.  Only once did he pause, glancing back over his shoulder, seeing more figures gathered around the table and spilling out into the hallways.  He took a step back, one hand reaching out—


Pain shot through him,  a harsh breath burning through his lungs.  Panicked, he looked for the stars, trying to figure out where they’d gone, wanting them to take the pain away.  He ran, taking corners and running up endless flights of stairs, wanting the pain to stop… now—whatever it took.

The pain shrieked through him, driving him to his knees and forcing him into a tight ball.  He squeezed his eyes shut as he crossed his arms over his head, folding his arms tight over his ears.  Trying to block it all out.  If he opened his eyes, he’d be home.  Home.  Please… he just wanted to go home.


The sound of his name prompted him to cautiously open his eyes, blinking slowly as he took in his new surroundings.  It was a large, light room—or would be if the blinds were open.  Instead, the room had that hazy dim glow indicating that daytime waited on the other side of the window. 

When had daytime arrived?

And why was he standing by a baby’s crib?

As if sensing his presence, the baby opened its eyes, their eerie dark green glowing the same way the room did—like there was light and life just waiting to be welcomed in.



The baby blinked solemnly.

You’re Matthew.


The baby yawned.  Will you be here when I wake up?

“I… I don’t know.”  Matthew looked around, noticed the sleeping woman in a nearby bed, an exhausted looking guy in what looked like a EMT uniform slumped in a chair, holding a teddy bear with a pink ribbon wound around its neck.  “I don’t think I’m supposed to be here.”

Please don’t leave.  I like you.

He stared down at the baby, at her chest rising and falling slowly, a tiny hand opening and closing against her cheek.  He was an only kid—he’d never been this close to a baby.  Reaching out, he ran a curious fingertip across the tiny hand, snatching it back as it disappeared into her skin, a hot flare of sensation shooting up his arm.


The baby’s eyes opened.  You know my name, too.

“Yeah.”  How he knew that, though, was kind of taking a back seat to what he suspected was turning into a way bigger issue.  Carefully, he touched his finger to the blanket wrapped around Emily’s small body, the hot tingling running up his arm again as his finger appeared to dissolve into nothingness. 

“Why did you call me?”

Those eyes kept staring, intent on him and yet at the same time, focused inward in a way he knew.  Way too well.  A way that sent a current of fear through him as he repeated, “Emily, why did you call me?”

She blinked, the intent focus of her gaze never wavering.

Because I could.


Haunted ©2013 Barbara Caridad Ferrer