Oh, Golden Globes, you wacky awards show!

Apologies for being a slacker blogger of late, but my excuse is that I’ve been hibernating, writing. There have been some other things going on as well which have been marinating and which hopefully, I’ll feel like sharing soon.

However, no amount of slackeriness could keep me from rounding up some of the GG fashion. I was actually at a wedding yesterday so didn’t watch live, but rather on my Tivo and I kept the laptop resolutely closed, so I could experience it as firsthand as possible.

While watching, one inescapable fact came to mind.

Ladies, ladies, ladies… step away from the tanning booths and spray tan. It was like a damned Oompa Loompa convention, I swear. I’m actually convinced that some of my favorite looks were simply because the gowns weren’t clashing with orange.

While there are a lot of pictures here, I know there are several I missed– it was quite the year. (Pictures borrowed from Huffington Post, People.com & Us.com– no infringement intended.)

Anyhow, let’s get the first one out of the way, shall we? Look, y’all, we’ve simply got to give Helena Bonham Carter a pass. It’s one thing to skewer someone because they come out in a frightful outfit without the sense for knowing they look terrifying, but Helena’s a bright lady. She knows this outfit is a horror. She simply doesn’t care. I mean, everything about it is so terrifying, from her hair down to the mismatched shoes– She may have felt great, she may have enjoyed wearing it, but she definitely knew the best that could be said for it is “unconventional.” Probably exactly what she was going for.

Now. At the opposite end of the spectrum, one of our usual suspects, January Jones. You know, when I first spotted her, seated at her table, I was excited. Her hair was brushed for once, instead of having that Walk of Shame look she usually sports at awards shows. And what I could see of her dress looked great—that unusual tomato-y red that fair-skinned blondes seem able to pull off and her lipstick went great with it.

Then she walked out on the stage.

No. Just… no. Donatella must love January because girlfriend will wear anything straight off the runway, no matter how ridiculous it looks. Seriously, that much fringe is just wrong, unless you’re a stripper. (Actually, my first thought, when I realized it was all fringe was that January had pilfered from the Burlesque costume storage.) And to compound the horror with a fringe apron? *shudder* Also, boobies are just not meant to do… that.

But the color was really good on her. Have to give her that. And her hair looked fabulous.

Eva Longoria, you’re going to wind up on a lot of Best Dressed lists, I’m sure. After all, basic, clean black and an elegant upswept do often mask a lot faults. But honey, you were at the forefront of the Oompa Loompa brigade (even though this photog was nice to you and didn’t highlight it) and as far as the neckline for your gown? No. Again, it’s just not nice to do that to the Girls.

Now, gotta give Christina Hendricks a salute for attempting a similar red to January’s. While she has the fair complexion, the hair generally makes that shade tough to pull off. And I think she would’ve done it, if it hadn’t been for that meddling sea anemone that insisted on hitching a ride across her chest and up her shoulder. I don’t know how she sat through the awards with that thing up there. It would’ve been driving me so batty, I would’ve been in the restroom inside of ten minutes, hacking at it with nail scissors. Pity, because the rest actually worked for me.

Emma Stone rocked the minimalist look except… I really do not like her as a blonde. With her red hair this would have been an amazing look. With the blonde, she just sort of fades into the wallpaper. And this is considering I am not a fan of the cap-sleeved look. But she pulled it off. So, so close.

You know, everyone was raving about this look and I’ll agree that the pale pink accented with the deep red was a gorgeous choice for Natalie, but I really did not care for the rose embellishment. It had the unfortunate effect of making her appear to have a third boob.

Anne, the 80s called. They want their shoulder pads back.

Julianne Moore: Uh, yeah… I got nuthin’.

You know, I’m kind of on the fence about Christina. It’s one of those looks that in some ways, comes close, but is just… too much, you know? I love embroidered and beaded tulle over satin. I love form-fitting. But somehow, it’s just overkill. It’s kind of like she wants to remind us what film she was in, like back when Kate Winslet wore a very period looking gown to the Oscars the year Titanic came out. I wonder if perhaps it had been form-fitting to the waist and then gone out in a more traditional ball gown shape if it might not have worked better. Or, you know, on someone else.

Normally, I am not a fan of Scarlett’s, mostly because she’s one of the most egregious offenders in the realm of “too much.” But she got it right last night. Her hair wasn’t too brassy and it was beautifully done, I love the cut of the gown and while usually a nude/pale pink will wash out fair-skinned blondes, hers had enough depth and interest that I felt it was very complimentary. Well played, Miss Johansson. Well played.

Heidi Klum… yeah, also got nuthin’ here. (Except to marvel that she’s showing up on some of the Best Dressed lists, because really?)

Normally Tina kills it and I do love the navy blue, but the deep v-neck with the added offense of the ruffles for sleeves? No. Not doing it for me. It gives the impression that she has linebacker shoulders, an issue with which I’m intimately familiar, and has the added effect of rendering her the approximate shape of a rectangle.

I’m not generally a fan of prints for formals, unless they’re abstract. Embroidered/appliquéd/glue-gunned daisies? Even if it’s Valentino? No. Michelle, it’s not 1972 and you’re not Mia Farrow.

Huh. Look at that. The ruffles in her hair matched the ruffles in her gown. Seriously, though, I generally think Lea Michelle has good instincts with respect to color and even basic style, but her biggest fault is that she tends to pick enormous gowns that overwhelm her. Take the big ruffled train off the side of this thing and it actually would work well.

The bangs nearly, nearly distract the eye from just how ill-fitting and wishy-washy this gown is. Sandy, you rocked the awards season last year. I know it’s been rough, but sweetie, the best revenge is looking well.

Leighton, Little House called, Laura Ingalls wants her dress back. Oh, and if you can’t walk in the shoes, don’t wear ’em.

You know, it’s kind of like the World Without Shrimp or the Land of Perpetual Wednesday or something, when I sit there and think, “You know, Jenny’s looking pretty classy and demure and kind of rockin’ the look.” For once, J-Lo didn’t take a vintage look Too Far. This is a classic 60s silhouette, with the sheer caplet, but she kept the makeup fairly minimal, the hair was in a simple, sleek ponytail instead of some bouffant horror (that honor went to another J: J-Love) and for me, it just worked. And yet, she’s showing up on some of the Worst Dressed lists, which just goes to show how very subjective fashion is.

Okay, now, I’m sort of on the fence about this gown. Ultimately, I decided that if you’re going to go for the whole princess look, go for it. And Olivia Wilde did. I also love that this gown was in a very unexpected shade of chocolate brown, a color that doesn’t get used nearly enough, in my opinion. I think it’s an awesome choice, more subtle than black, but every bit as dramatic, especially with the spectacular beadwork.


The shoes. There is just not enough WRONG in the world for these. Stylistically, color, just all of it is wrong, wrong, wrongity wrong wrong wrong with a side of wrong sauce.

Okay, one of the biggest trends of the night seemed to be a vibrant green. Several ladies wore it, but who wore it best? Angelina had the brightest of the greens, just this side of kelly, which worked beautifully on her. The cut was super simple, allowing the shade and all over beadwork to carry the load.

I love the intricate draping and pleating of Mila Kunis’ gown, but I think it would have worked better as a simple strapless gown since I’m not a fan of growths on the shoulder. I’m also not completely crazy about the obvious straight seaming at the waistline. It really makes the gown apear as if it’s two separate pieces and not in a good way, necessarily.

Of the four gowns, I love the shade of Catherine Zeta-Jones’ the best (I mean, yeah, it’s the shade of green I can actually wear without turning jaundiced, so it’s a personal thing), however, the draping is a little too deliberately, I-just-pinned-this-up-from-the-curtains, unstructured. And something about the fabric brings to mind sofas from Grandma’s parlor. Pity, because I do love the color and she looks absolutely gorgeous in it.

At first, I was so excited to see Elisabeth Moss in a color that wasn’t drab and wishy-washy, but the more I looked at her gown, the more I grew dissatisfied with it. It just doesn’t… fit. It’s just sort of hanging off her and her hair and make-up do absolutely nothing to disabuse the notion that the dress is wearing her, rather than the other way around. Pity, because I really think the color is good against her skin tone.

So I guess my winner here is Angelina. Thoughts?

And finally… yes, I did have a gown I loved unreservedly. Mandy Moore, come on down. I love everything about this gown: the color, the cut, just absolutely perfect.

One thought on “Oh, Golden Globes, you wacky awards show!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s