Okay, first things first: I know the Muppets are back in this year, but would designers please, please, please stop sacrificing their pelts? Nancy O’Dell and Viola Davis, come on down!

Like Paula Patton, Nancy felt the need to channel Big Bird while Viola… Dang, Viola, I really wanted to love on you and your gown. And I know a lot of people really seemed to, but… I just couldn’t get into it. First off the green was just so… Kermit-like. The satin was almost too too heavy and smooth (kind of rendering it with a pleather-like appearance) and the embellishments seemed as if they’d been applied with the leaf tip of a pastry bag. Besides, those of you who’ve been around these parts know how I feel about doing that to The Girls. They just didn’t look comfortable.

Channeling Elmo was Emma Stone. Actually, scratch that—while the color was quite Elmo-esque, most of my Twitter feed hit the nail on the head when they said she was auditioning for a role as a Lexus. Can’t say I disagree—I’m not a fan of bows in general and this abomination was just… well. Girl wore it with confidence at least.

As for the actual Muppet fashionista in the audience? Miss Piggy looked quite fetching in a custom Zac Posen with Fred Leighton jewelry. Girl’s been doing this a long time and it showed.
(Seriously ladies, when the Muppet outdoes most of you on the red carpet, it’s time to consider firing your stylist.)

I dunno, like I said, I was fairly underwhelmed overall. Like any year, there were a few actively bad gowns, but mostly it was a collection of meh with a side of “Really? Not that it’s bad, but you thought that looked good on you?”

White seemed to be fairly predominant last night with a range of va-va voom to “Oh, girl, no. Just.. no.”

Oh, J-Lo…

I’m just not even sure what to make of this. It might work on the ballroom floor (no, really, give it a more flowing skirt and strategic inserts in the bodice, and it wouldn’t be bad, for a white dress), but to present at the Oscars? Oh, and her stylist is claiming the gown had “special cups” to prevent any accidents, that the dress was a magnificent confection of nude and white fabrics (or summat like that) and the joke was on those of us who thought we saw something. Got news for you sunshine—there’s not that much nude fabric where most of us saw the slippage. I just couldn’t shake the feeling she was eyeing down Rooney Mara from the stage and thinking, “See, little one? I don’t have to pierce my Girls to get them international attention.”

The rest of the look? Eh—typical J-Lo. Shiny face, skinned back bouffant, blah, blah, blah. Whatevs.

Now, I know there are probably several of you who are new, maybe coming over here from Twitter or FB and you’re probably wondering what sort of credentials I have for offering a fashion round-up. Well, none, really. Other than I have a lifelong love of fashion and actually, did grow up around the industry, with my mother, in her day, serving as a production pattern maker for several high end sportswear and evening wear designers (if you ever watch pageants, you’ve definitely seen stuff she worked on– even now. Those patterns last forever.). She’s also quite an accomplished seamstress in her own right, making various gowns and dresses for me throughout my life, including the Edwardian-styled creation that was my wedding gown.

Twenty yards of silk taffeta, point d’Alençon lace, and over 10K pearls, y’all– the woman may drive me nuts, but that’s love, you know? Also, I have no idea who let me get married that young.

Needless to say, I still love fashion and adore dressing in red carpet style when the occasion demands (sweats the rest of the time, for I am nothing if not practical), and when awards season rolls around, watch avidly to see who’s wearing what and who pissed off their stylist. Seriously, you’d think Sarah Jessica and J-Lo would learn, right?

Anyhow– the Golden Globes.

*disclaimer: all pictures the property of their respective photographers/agencies. No infringement intended, no profit being made.

Huh. Well, dear readers, sad to say, I was seriously underwhelmed with a side of WTF were they thinking? on occasion. I don’t even know where to start, exactly, so I guess I’ll just dive on in.

First case of WTF, Paula Patton. Girl, I think it’s illegal to have skinned Big Bird and wear him as a dress. I’m sure he’s on the endangered species list. Seriously, very, very few people can wear that color (and I acknowledge my own bias against it, since I really do dislike yellow) but I think if you’re going to wear it, sleek and streamlined is the way to go, not misguided prom gown.

Speaking of misguided. And they presented together. Piper and Sarah Michelle… girls, did you consult with each other ahead of time? I think not.

Okay, Piper. You’re a lovely lady with a lithe figure. You also have no curves or chest to speak of. Whoever put you in a gown that has a bodice more commonly found on holiday dresses for toddlers needs to be spanked. Severely. Couple that with the skirt that nearly swallowed poor Peter Dinklage and we have an issue of proportions. Now, Sarah Michelle… sweetie, I actually did want to like your gown. I will admit to applauding the use of the fabric—I thought it was vibrant and different, but as I’ve said before and will probably say until the end of time, if one aspect of the gown really stands out, in this case, the pattern of the fabric, it’s best to keep everything else streamlined. There was just too much going on with the poofy skirt and the peplum. I applaud your hair and jewelry, however. They were simple and worked.

End result, Piper and Sarah Michelle looked like a pair of meringues.

There seemed to be a slight trend of video game screens doubling as dress bodices. Zooey, Salma, step forward, if you please?